So here we go, ready for another summer season on the coast.

The last of the spring rains have fallen – I know this because a huge excavator was down a few weeks ago, shattering the peace and quiet of the lake. Istan Town Hall send this behemoth down once a year to smooth out the track to the lake as it is an ‘acceso publico’, although after the deluge of the past couple of weeks, the ‘publico’ would have to have a touch of the brave, fearlessly and perhaps clinically insane to attempt it as it is not so much a public right of way than an action sequence from ‘Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom’.

Needless to say, I tackle it daily.

Almost as loud as the sounds of earth flattening are the sounds of the coast gearing up for another season. Once again tourism experts are predicting record-breaking numbers of visitors, citing official statistics, airline predictions and hotel booking figures. In a less scientific manner, social media in the form of the data harvesting firm Facebook is full of club and beach bar promoters in Puerto Banus boasting that this summer – and this is a technical term dear reader – ‘Marbs 2018 is going to smash it!’.

That’s as maybe. But if they really are intending to ‘smash it’ the tattoos and tanga tribe better keep their kit on while doing it, and ditch the comedy props. An edict from Marbella Town Hall – who are desperate clean up the town’s image as a luxury destination after last summer’s shenanigans – has decreed that anyone found walking with their tops off, or carrying or wearing items of a sexual nature will face a fine of over €700.

Even though last summer social media was treated to scenes of half naked drunken Brits staggering around Banus with giant inflatable dildos, some bar and club owners have claimed that the British are being ‘persecuted’. Perhaps that is a little on the harsh side, although I darkly like the idea of half a dozen TOWIE wannabies with their heads on spikes at the entrance of the Port for clothing misdemeanors. Just as a warning to the rest…

My fervent wish for the summer, therefore, is that Marbella mayor Muñoz, who since regaining power in Marbella last year has had a fondness for setting up action groups and special teams to tackle specific issues, does the same for this one.

The Marbella Oversized Inflatable Sex Toy (or MOIST for short) hotline would be on my speed dial, that’s for sure!